Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Mallya Feat Virus....

Vijay Mallya : Ye kya hai??

Bewda Junior : Kingfisher ka bottle...

Vijay Mallya : Wrong.. Kingfisher apna bottle khud nahi banati....wo doosre ke bottle , pitcher aur mug me apna beer daalti hai... Life begins with kill..... beer... Drink or die.....Dont forget.... Har din UB Group me 5 lakh bottle bante hain.. usme se sirf 20 aapke ghar pe jate hain... Tumhare ghar pe......Who are those drinkers??? You !!!! You are the Kingfisher birds...

Mere khudke bete ne 20 saal tak beer piya......Talli.... he is a broken egg....

Ye Mallya beer zero gravity me space me bhi pee sakte hain.... mere bewde professor ne mujhe ye gift diya thaa...bola tha... wen u see the next bewda mallya... giv tht bottle to him.... this is a beer of excellence.... Pichle 30 saal se I'm waiting for the next Baba Mallya.....Kya is bewdo ki batch me hai koi Bewda Mallya....??? Jisko mai ye beer de saku????


Orange vs Apple

Hi Friends,

How have you being doing lately. Below is a combo pack of current events, Philosophy and general gyaan. Happy reading.

Acknowledgements to:
1) Time Magazine
2) My inspiration from Sachin
3) Frustration :)

Time stands frozen in front of Sachin Tendulkar. We have had champions, we have had legends, but we have never had another Sachin Tendulkar and never will.

When Sachin started, Michael Schumacher was yet to race a F1 car, Lance Armstrong had never been to the Tour de France, Diego Maradona was still the captain of a world champion Argentina team, Pete Sampras had never won a Grand Slam. Roger Federer was a name unheard of; Lionel Messi was in his nappies, Usain Bolt was an unknown kid in the Jamaican backwaters.
These are the broken eggs.. heheheheh ( Virus speech - 3 idiots)

But why am I saying all this. For heaven's sake, stop comparing oranges to apples.

There is a Sachin Tendulkar in each one of us. Just that our 2 1/2 sq. feet crease is different and we bat in our daily lives on a different pitch. Our hard (read smart) work and credentials can take us to new pedestals all the time.

Compete or die (Like Virus in 3 idiots) is the motto for most people today. Let me complete it - Compete, but with yourself :)

There is so much of Sachin in each one of us. Time to explore is now. Let me get back to batting :) My pitch awaits me.


Friday, November 26, 2010

Physics re-invented

Dear Einstein and Newton,

Thou shalt be proud of me today, as I am leveraging your learning curve, redefining your laws to the current realities and human miseries.

Law of gravity (now WTF):
- > Law of universal WTF states that every massive WTF in the universe attracts every other massive WTF with a force which is directly proportional to the product of their Screw- ups and inversely proportional to the extent of the damage caused.

Laws of Motion (again WTF):
- > Every mind remains in a state of rest or uniform WTF (constant WTF) unless it is acted upon by an external unbalanced WTF.

- > Every WTF has an equal, but opposite WTF

Law of energy conservation (now WTF conservation)
- > The law of conservation of WTF is an empirical law of Human existence. It states that the total amount of WTF in an isolated system remains constant over time . A consequence of this law is that WTF can neither be created nor destroyed: it can only be transformed from one state to another. The only thing that can happen to WTF in a closed system is that it can change form, for instance low frequency WTF can become high frequency WTF.

Trust me, what's written here is the self explanatory truth of existence in scientific language.


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Business principles re-defined

Serious piece of advice in a not so serious mode.

- Opportunity doesn't knock Twice. Everyone agrees and so do I. Why not knock doors of opportunity :)knock them more than twice.

- Samay se pehle aur receivable se zyaada, kisi ko kuch nahi milta

- Customer is king. We all agree. But then, we are not slaves either :) Get what you want, provided it is reasonable.

- You are not married to the company you are working with or the profession you are in. Hence, you can have more than one ( I'm not specifying what the company you are working with is )

- Risk to spiderman bhi leta hai.. mai to sirf businessman hu.

- If nothing goes right, you turn left :)


Friday, October 22, 2010

Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta - sing with me

Hi Folks,

Dreary tenure of employment explained like the song in Rock - On by Farhan Akhtar. Sing with me :)

Meri last day Ka Ek Mail, Notice Period ka wo khel… Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta ….Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta…
CTC ka ek Number, daale har koi fir Paper… Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta ….Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta…
Hike me sirf manager King, sole cause for suffering
Kitne saalo se Maine Khoya
Kabhi Khud Pe Hansa Main Aur Kabhi Khud Pe Roya

Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta …. Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta …. Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta ….… Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta ….

Letter Mili jis Ghadi, Lagi thi meri Badi… Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta ….Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta…
Meri Peanuts ka Package, Meri Mind me all blockage… Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta ….Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta…
My time here only Passes, Career never Progresses
Kitne saalo se Maine Khoya
Kabhi Khud Pe Hansa Main, Aur Kabhi Khud Pe Roya

Kaise Bhuloon appraisal ka Jo Din Aaya
Manager Ne mujhe meeting room Mein bulaya
Kaisa Pal Tha, Jis Pal Maine khudko Poora barbaad Dekha

Hum Jo Mile Pehli Baar, Maine Jaana Kya Hai maar
Maine Hike Bhi Khoya ,Mind Bhi Khoya
Kabhi Khud Pe Hansa Main, Aur Kabhi Khud Pe Roya

… Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta ….Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta…… Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta ….Ta Ra Ta Ta Ta…

Maine Pichhle Kitne saalo se Kya Kya hai Khoya.....

Friday, October 15, 2010

Exit mode to-do list

Hi Friends,

This is very simple and basic information which you may already know or may need in future. But, just jotting it down in the interest of the public at large.

Please find below a checklist for your exit formalities ( When you are in the W3 ( refer blog archive) mode):

-> Transfer your personal documents - Mail it from your office mail ID to your gmail. Lotus Notes or Outlook definitely makes it easy to attach files all at once. In gmail it takes time to attch files :) Why waste space on your pen drive when your office and gmail server has so much space?? For songs and movies, do not forget to zip the files. Given an option, format your hard disk after transferring your documents :)

-> Delete your mails/ chats where you have been bitching about your manager. You don't care,but your colleagues are still working there, so don't be selfish.

-> Delete your payslips - Even if you forget to delete your songs/ movies, its fine ( not all kind of movies, you may land someone else in trouble :))Its imperative to delete your payslips, as the recipient of your laptop may further crib looking at your meagre salary. In the interest of fellow colleagues who will anyway be not happy looking at your peanuts and comparing their peanuts / masala peanuts/ fried peanuts ( and vice versa), its better to delete the payslips.

-> Do not forget to look for your laptop bag ( which you used for 3-4 days and dumped it)and the lock ( you never needed to lock it, as you yourself wanted someone to take the pandora's box away).

-> Adieu mail - Here you express your immense pleasure in leaving the company. Do not forget to thank all people who have made your tenure less stressful ( read shitty). Who knows they may also join the Quit XXX India Movement and your paths may cross again. Easiest to create a list on an excel file ( concatenate email id with comma and paste it on the To Line. Let me know by tomorrow, if you know something easier).
Pls note :Do not write to people who will still bother you with earlier screw ups. Ask folks to "reply all" on your personal ID along with the office ID. Do this ( only this ) on your last 'working' day ( you strictly should not do anything else)

-> Make it a point to meet as many people in person. Let them see the smile on your face when you are leaving. This would help them do good to their careers :)

-> In case you change your cell phone no, make it a point not to communicate it to your manager ( We'd rather die of natural causes) In case of no change in number, there is always an option not to answer his/ her calls ***)

While I'm still thinking of what I have left out, you people can help me with your valuable inputs. Thanks for your help in advance.


Thursday, September 30, 2010

Win-win Verdict

This one is not going to have moderate views. Readers will be extremely pissed off, or will take this idea too seriously. I am a man for the extremes :)

I agree that air is everywhere, but still you need a fan to feel it. So, you might need a place of worship. But kindly note: God is extremely busy and too big to fit into one religion, so he has delegated his presence in all creation. God has created man in his own image and likeness (Women, I mean human beings. No gender bias here)

I’m sure you have thought about this earlier. Today will be the announcement made of a long standing ruling. The ruling is definitely not going to be a win-win situation.But, I want to make it one.

I have a proposal. Why not build a bar or pub instead? People will unite, irrespective of caste, creed, religion, gender, monetary status, marital status or bowel movements. Everyone will be chanting “ Cheers!!!”. (Please note : I am available to support this noble cause after 20 days from today. Bhagwan ka diya hua , except paisa sab kuch hai hamare paas)

gurur ruma
gurur vodka
gurur whisky
gurur shakshat peg bhramha
tatsmaye shree beer e namah

If you find this too extravagant
– why not a school / college ? Students can be educated irrespective of their religious background
– why not a hospital ? Ailments are better than humanoids, they do not have affinity towards a religious clan
- Or why not simply a giant size mall? Everyone will shop, eat and celebrate together. ( Central Mall, I’m not campaigning for you, but you can still pay me royalty)

I hope the judiciary is reading this blog, if not.. its your moral responsibility to cascade it. Let’s work together to uproot and dump the differences as we are here to make a difference.

Jeene ke 3 hi tareeke hain:
1)Jo ho raha hai use hone do.. sehte raho
2)Usse badalne ki zimmedaari uthao
3)Usse badalne ki zimmedaari delegate karo, WTF.

Happy Verdict

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


When hired -> Wowww

When review cycle is missed due to date of joining -> Ok no problem, I'l make up for it next year

In the interim -> Lets work, do something different, innovate, build credibility, make a mark, be proactive, be super productive, work super hard, work really smart (mind you - employee's manager doesn't think so)and all other sorts of illusion.

When review cycle finally arrives -> WTF?? This needs no explanation

Looking for new job - > OK. Few days more. Lets pull along. Lets keep the search strong.

Finding a job, but not the right one -> That's fine. I'l get there soon. The earlier interesting work seems monotonous ( actually 'shitty' is the word)

Found a job / Finally resigning -> Wowww.. Fantabulous. Have never felt so relieved before. Let's get out of this place asap.

Notice period extended -> Oh nooooo.. Jaane nahiiiiii.... denge mujheeee.... jaane mujheeee.. denge nahi..... I hate gyaan stories from my manager.

Notice period further extended -> WTF??? Let me show them what I can do, they will never hold on to anyone for so long. Here comes the "Whose Father What goes" (किसके बाप का क्या जाता?) attitude. ( Sorry dear English, I couldn't find a better translation for this ultimate truth)

Moral of the Story : Life cycle summary of employment is mostly W3 (not world wide web) Its Whose Father, What goes, WTF

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Its my / EMI ? Life...

Finally some serious stuff:

Life cycle of an Indian employee:
Start earning ->
Spend,spend,spend ->
1-2 years down the line, salary significantly increases and then think now what do I do with the money? ->
Take a housing loan, buy a 2/3 BHK and spend nearly 2/3 of the salary on EMI ->
Then think, this EMI takes up most of my salary, why not I pay off this loan soon ->
Work hard for more bonus / variable pay ->
Partly repay the loan ->
EMI is reduced, so why not invest in one more flat?

No regrets whatsoever if you have done all of this effortlessly. But, the extra flat is definitely worth the extra slog and sacrifices. What is the point if you want to save rent and pay EMI, if in the bargain, you travel for 2 hrs extra after a 12-14 hr long day of work?? Dude, your health and free time is all 'spent'.

A profound thinker once said " Life is like a prepaid card with limited validity. Use it before it lapses". That profound thinker was not me :) It was Chetan Bhagat ( I don't steal away credit)

What is the point if you have an extra 3 BHK, but have spent your entire life working hard for it and have lost out on all the good times.

What are you finally slogging it out for? Those materialistic pleasures? Trust me, if you think in those lines. You will even think, now how do I spend the rent which I get from the 2nd flat? One more EMI? You will not have an option of spending, as you do not have the time to enjoy. Over these years, you have lost touch with your close friends and family. In short, wasted the precious golden years of your life. What is the point if you think what will I have for dinner, while having breakfast:)

Learn to spend money, trust me you will learn how to earn it.

Don't work for money, let the money work for you.

I don't want to live the EMI life. I'm happy with 1 house. I choose to "live". And you??

Cheers !!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Once upon a time in ......

This will not make sense at all to those who have not seen " Once upon a time in Mumbai". I cannot vouch for whether the movie is a true story, but what I can guarantee is that the dialogues apply to real life, especially at the place of work.I in fact already expressed all of what I am writing below.

- When you screw up in some work, just say - "Sher se hal chaloge to kisaan to marega hi"

- When your colleagues ask you, where have you been, just say - "Jab work from home se kaam ho, to paid leave kyo khatam karein"

- When you manager says, "tum nahi sudhroge" - say "ye umar sudharne ki nahi , bigadne ki hai, abhi to mai poori tarah se bidga bhi nahi"

- Kal( tomorrow) ka kaam aaj pe daalunga, to aaj bura maan jaega ;)

- I bet everyone's personal favourite will be - Mai har kaam paise ke liye nahi karta ( The truth is " jitna bhi aur jo bhi kaam karo, paisa kaun de raha hai")

There are so many more, which I haven't yet expressed in office :

- Zindagi ho toh manager jaisi, saare reportees raakh ki tarah neeche, aur wo dhuen ke taarah upar

- Hike batayi nahi, dikhaayi jaati hai ( payslip and bank account me)

- Jinki manzil( job switch) ek hai woh raaste ( interview )par hi milte hai interview me ;) )

- har employee ki kismat main accha employer nahin hota, kuch meri company main bhi milte hain ;)

- bus, appraisal mei yaad rakhna

- Tasveer kheench ke apni cubicle mein laga le, Kabhi zaroorat padhe, to donon mein se ek manager chun lena

- Itne saal mein kabhi tune hike nahin maanga, aur aaj tera manager badal gaya

There are definitely so many which I do not recollect right now.

Blog accha ho ya bura, badalta zaroor hai...:)


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Survival of "the" employee

An employee is a specie engaged in a particular activity for earning a livelihood, but is hardly living (only surviving)

As an employee, he is supposed to be an expert on the subject he is dealing with. With his deep knowledge in the subject, he should able to help other people to find a solution for their problems, but who will understand or even bother about his problems??

An employee earns his daily bread (without the butter) not only from his knowledge, but also through hard work and number of years of experience. No option, but to slog like a donkey and needless to say, donkeys are not idolised.

Professionalism and loyalty must reflect in his words and deeds. Because hardly anything reflects in the bank account

A seasoned employee should try very hard to stick to his commitments and will be honest always. These virtues will help an employee to gain confidence of his clients and employer. Because that is the only thing you gain (refer comment above)

Once an employee gets his reputation, he is established in his line of activity. A dedicated employee works for satisfaction and not merely for money. Because by now he knows that money anyway will not come

An employee learns from his mistakes and utilizes them to bring more perfection to his work or services. Even if he chooses not to, he is reminded by his employer

Friday, August 20, 2010

Shit - Scope and importance

What I am writing now is simply in public interest and is not at all intellectual stuff ( nothing I write is actually intellectual ;) )

I often find my facebook friends raising concerns about me speaking about "shit" most of the time (Remainder is WTF messages) Whenever they see my status message, their laptop stinks of shit and my profile seems like a septic tank :) My status message seems more like a toxicology report most of the time.

But, today I want to put my 'shit'ty thoughts together and take shit to a whole new dimension.

Just in case you want to realize the value of shit, try not shitting for 2 days. Your brain, heart, limbs and everything else stops functioning. The asshole is the boss :) ( I'm not saying that the boss is an asshole always. Don't get me wrong for heaven's sake)

Talk to a person suffering from piles. He/she will tell you how important shit is & how important a perfect asshole is. On the flip side is a person suffering from dysentery, just too much of shit. Its very important to have the perfect volume of shit in your life. Nothing more, nothing less.

If you are pissed off with your job and you feel that you are doing shit, just think about the millions of people who are ready to clean similar shit and do not get any opportunities. Shit is inevitable and you need to be happy cleaning shit sometimes.

Its an old management lesson - Not everyone who puts you in shit is your enemy and not everyone who takes you out of shit is your friend. You all must have realized it at some juncture in your lives.

Just try categorizing shit in the broad categories below. Trust me life would be much simpler:
-> Controllable and uncontrollable shit - Controllable makes you feel more shitty.

-> High frequency low severity shit (HFLSS) & Low frequency high severity shit (LFHSS is most dangerous)

-> Maddening and normal shit

-> Multiple level ( like Inception) and single level shit

-> Incoming and outgoing shit ( Simple - If you get shit, you are forced to give shit)

-> In order of priority - already stinking , about to stink, will stink and impact others

-> How bad will it stink?

-> Other types which would be close to the above categories

Most important truth which no one can run away from is - You can take shit out of life, but cannot take life out of shit. Shit also then has a feel good factor.

Happy shitting.. ( Oops.. I meant reading..)


Thursday, August 5, 2010

Want or haunt??

You wanted knowledge, so you went to college
But if you wanted money, why did you join this company??

You pursue a career, and you're not here for just a job
But your stabbed from the rear and what you can do is only sob!!

You are asked to think long term,
but sadly you are treated like a germ

Your employer says your the best and an achiever
forget about some rest, you don't even get a breather

You work on columns and work on rows,
But you career never ever grows

You expect a decent hike,
But with that you can't even buy a 2nd hand bike

You want to pay your EMI,
so every month you think where am I?

You need a job change,
but think where will you get a higher range

You start to assume,
wish I had a better resume

You always feel the urge
and then the search begins to surge

Try hard to get what you want
Or these thoughts shall always haunt

So many things to say,
wish everything would go my way

Hence, you have fun and keep up the slog
I shall now and then pen a blog


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Movies during performance review season

Upcoming movies especially during performance review ( read screw) season:

All these movies will be starring you manager, you and HR in guest appearance

Cause :
-> I know what you did ( not do) last summer - You turn from a silent spectator victim to an erupting volcano

-> Hike and Pay- Your manager and you discuss (You don't discuss, you plead and then crib)

-> (Ex)ception - Your manager tries doing a 'favour' on you only to retain you ( who will clean the shit otherwise?)

-> 'Resign'eeti - When you are planning to resign

-> Hum paper daal chuke sanam -> Your plan is successfully executed

Next three are self explanatory:
-> Bakwaas Company

-> All Idiots

-> Angels and demons ( you don't even need to figure out who is the demon here)

Then during notice period:
-> Employee tum kab jaoge??

-> Once Upon a Time in "the company"

Songs in all these movies:
-> All is (in) well.... arey bhaiiyaa all in well....
-> Yedaaaa hone lagaaa huuuu....

I'm sure there would be 'n' no. of movies with the underlying meaning deep within.

Happy are those who are merely audience. Unfortunately ( why this word? every employee thinks he is unfortunate) most humanoids here are lead actors.

Jaago employee jaago!!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Managing(er) encounters !!

When do you recollect have you waited desperately to meet your manager?

Well, this does not apply if your manager is young. of the opposite gender, is very "gendery" and can think a bit sane. Just mentioning to keep imagination and wild thoughts under control.

Is it when:
- > You want to know what work you will be doing?
  • You hear it in glorified terms. e.g cost cutting can be called productivity challenge.

- > You want to update him on some "rocket" science" you've done.
  • It finally ends up to be re-inventing the wheel. You say "Whatever I do , I can't convince you, but at least hear me out"

- > You want to complain that this is not what was promised to me?
  • You get to hear things like "build credibility" (ok, by when and how)
- You want to enquire about the hike which you will (not) be getting)?
  • think long term ( how long? I Don't want to retire here. I'm already retarded)
  • when it rains it pours ( no one is even spitting from the terrace forget about rain)
  • you will get visibility of the management ( visibly being fooled day in and day out)
- You got your hike, but you are (but naturally) not satisfied?
  • You may get some x% here and x+30- 40% outside. En-cash it if at all you think so at the right time. Do you think I cannot go? But in long term it all evens out ( What is long term now? My batch-mates switch jobs and earn more than double of what I do. Cut the crap)
- You want to change your role as the job which you were doing was "high profile" but now seems like utter crap to you?
  • You have been in this role for just a year and a half. I have invested so much time in you and now you are hands-on. The team needs you. Spend some more time ( Did you not realise that during my performance review? and when you gave me some peanuts? )
- You want to resign. Yeaahhhhh finallyyyy
  • Your manager will be unwell. Will work from another office, go on leave and what not. Finally when you are ready to shoot at sight?? All the gyaan above Ctrl + Alt + Del. ( But you care a damn about it now. It seems like - All bakwaas, no seedhi baat. For once, you are not frustrated with the gyaan you get from your manager. You come out of the room with a long lost smile on your face)
I can quote tens of thousands of instances. But, this in a nutshell is what managers are all about ( I have gone nuts).

Most of you would agree with me. If you don't please change your opinion and stop fooling yourself :)


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Introduction & disclaimer

Hi One and all,

Firstly, I would want to convey that all content in my blogspot will be excreta/ waste matter of the bull in the purest possible substance and form ( a.k.a bull-shit)

All the writing will be zero fiction and pure resemblance to many persons living ( read surviving) and dead ( read almost dead).

If you are allergic to bull-shit, very good you will enjoy the blog. If you are not allergic to bull-shit - Hats off to you. Jahanpana tussi great ho !!

Cheers!! Happy reading..